Could I Care LESS?

Something occurred to me recently as I was dealing with being upset over something that I didn’t want to be upset about. I realized I’d been here before.

In my frustration and upset I was asking myself what could I have done differently, what could have unfolded differently, not upsetting me in the first place, and was the upset entirely my own doing in the end because I was the one upset?  I already know that each of us choose how we see and feel in situations, we CAN choose NOT to be upset, and I clearly didn’t do that.

This choice is something I can do half of the time, and can’t do half of the time. What I’ve noticed is my ability to CHOOSE to not be upset has everything to do with how much I care about the general situation.  My level of upset is directly related to my level of caring.

That night I went to bed bugged. As I sometimes do, I said to myself, I just need to have less interaction with people. More introvert hours would help me. Then when I woke in the morning I had the thought. I would get less upset if I could care LESS about this particular thing. Having that thought reminded me of the other times in my life I have found myself wishing I didn’t care about someone or something so much and acknowledging that if I could just care less I would be better, I would be happier, the “thing” wouldn’t be so upsetting if I didn’t really care.

With that thought in my mind, another day went by and I realized that in the past I haven’t been able to CHOOSE caring less, it has been forced upon me to care less. And how that happens is over time, being shown again and again that caring equals upset, until one day, bam! I finally see it as never going to change. It/they will always be upsetting to me, and when that realization hits, the caring less happens.

I wish I felt like this was an optimistic thought to be sharing. I’m really only sharing because I finally realized that this has been how my mind has worked for a few years, and despite being the one having these feelings, I am only now putting words to them and "getting it" fully.

I see this is how marriages fail. This is how jobs end. This is how friendships fall apart. It happens because we all have a limit in regard to any given thing. And when the caring has finally been used or abused for too long, something breaks; you suddenly don’t hesitate to care LESS.

What’s slightly upsetting about this caring less is that it’s not within my control like the choosing to not be upset. I can choose to not get upset, but if the event, or the person continues in the same manner as always, it doesn’t necessarily matter that I stopped getting upset, they/it is still wearing me down and taking me to my limit, until one day, there it is. I care less.