The Validation Equation

When something is valid, it’s worth something, has value, it carries merit, it has force, or weight, or strength… It means something. Sometimes by law it’s valid, sometimes by law of nature it’s valid, and sometimes a thing is only valid because of how the mind sees it.

If a person raises a question on a topic, and the question is a good one, it’s a valid question. If a point gets made that’s a good one; (worth while) it’s a valid point. If someone agrees with you, you feel validated. If someone ignores you or belittles you, you feel invalid.

What is interesting, is our need for validation. On some level, we all need it. Sometimes that means you need to be agreed with. (your Ego) Which is the cheap kind of validation because the important bit in the validation-equation is not a cheap and temporary bigness… the important bit isn’t the need to be agreed with. The kind of validation I would call important is validation that equates to being of value to people, and worth more because they care about you. Like their loving you gives you more worth, more merit, more strength… they validate your existence, you feel worth something to another person, which makes you feel worth more in your own mind. To reiterate and state it another way, they seem to make you like you MORE. (Which I see as a wonderful thing… as you already know.)

Saying that brings a pinch of arrogance to mind I bet. That is not where I’m headed… arrogance is not even in this discussion, because thinking highly of yourself and others is an important thing, not an arrogant thing.

When you are worth more in your own mind, you won’t be pushed around, taken advantage of, and you will matter enough for your happiness to come first. I feel like I am only dancing around the idea of feeling validated without giving a personal example, so here you are:

I had no clue I needed validation, until suddenly I felt it. I decided to buy my mom a plane ticket to visit me. I planned some things we would do during her visit, historical and beautiful places we would see, and I found her a bed and breakfast in my town which would add to her experience (since my apartment was little).

I had arranged to have most of my days off work during her visit, but there were a couple days I wasn’t able to get off, and it was on one of these days some things came together in my mind.

I was a warehouse manager for a furniture factory. I was in charge of getting the warehouse filled, trucks loaded, as well as creating production lists based on what I did and didn’t have in my warehouse. This factory operated backwards, so instead of orders going straight to production, orders came to me, and I had to figure out what was “missing,” then go through the factory backwards to determine what was available, what was being finished, and what still needed to be assembled; leaving lists with each department as I did so. As such, I worked directly with many people.

Needless to say, knowing so many people, (and the majority of the workers being men) I had to put up with much joking and flack on a regular basis, especially since I was in a position of “prioritize this, I need this, work on this.” They all knew the nature of what I had to do, so I wasn’t the bad guy, but I was easily a target for joking around.

One of the days after my mother arrived, and I was at work, I noticed my mind was doing different things as the guys were joking around and teasing. I realized I suddenly felt taller. I felt like I was important. Like I mattered, and I had a level of confidence I didn’t normally have. I was also thoroughly aware it had everything to do with my mother. Her sudden presence in my life validated my existence. I was suddenly important; because I had a Mom. Someone who wholly knows me, someone who wholly loves me, someone who wholly makes me real and significant. It was like I was suddenly on a pedestal, and could say whatever the hell I pleased, and it wouldn’t matter. There would be no consequences, because I was amazing. My Mother made it so.

My mother has always communicated complete and total love to me, she accepts me, she adores me, and I will never have to wish for a second that my mother loved me more. I grew up with this knowledge every day, and suddenly having my mother within reach, meant that I was suddenly valid in life.

I didn’t use the words “she gave me validation” at the time, and I really haven’t labeled it that until I write this, but through personally experiencing that arrival of validation, I know just how powerful it is.

We had a great two weeks, Mom and I. I introduced her to new places, more of my life and surroundings, and at the end of those two weeks, when I took her to the airport, and had so say good bye to her, my heart nearly broke.

I went to a look out deck at the airport, I watched as her plane taxied, I cried my eyes out as it took off, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave until I couldn’t see any trace of it in the sky what-so-ever. I was devastated. It was like I was suddenly a tiny little insignificant thing again. I didn’t realize how insignificant I was before she arrived, but in feeling so validated and ‘worth something’ in her presence, I was very aware how painful it was to go back to being someone without validity.

Feeling valid means you mean something to someone… you matter to them. You are important in their life and they are important in yours. It’s a LOVE thing. A WHOLENESS thing. A HEART thing. We know when we are valid to someone, and they are valid to us.

Feel Good Flash Cards

I had this silly-really-good-idea, and it's based on my terrible memory. When I feel sad or I'm in pain, my memory worsens. I was reminded of this when I started having a stiff neck again, and since I don't take pain killers (unless I have to), I was treating it with the usual hot showers and Salonpas patches. Then a friend reminded me she gave me a natural oil roll-on for muscle pain. Doh!! I was letting my discomfort be so big I was concentrating on it and forgetting I had methods of dealing with it at my disposal.

We do this with Sadness too. when we are sad, we think of the why, we don't think of the remedies at our disposal. So... What if I just have to remember I have ONE remedy, and that ONE remedy has numerous methods of dealing with the pain or sadness?

Simple right?

This is why the idea I've had is silly, it's like being a child. Requiring a tool to go to despite believing I'm an adult and don't need childish tools; like flash cards!

So,  Feel Good Flash Cards! I can look through them for an idea, or pull one out randomly.

I think I need to give examples, that would be far better than saying "do it". I will write down my examples, and you can relate to them, making your own, and understand what I mean.

Each card has written on it in short form, or long, something you know that makes you feel good.

A hot drink: cup of Dandelion Caramel Nut coffee.
Music: Once Upon Another Time, Sara Bareilles
Laughing
Hot Shower: Long
Foot Rub: with Sandalwood oil
Taking Photos: Go to the farmers path at dusk!
Massage
Aven's roll-on vanilla/eucalyptus oil
Finishing a project I've started.
Painting: something to hang on the wall
Writing
Talking to Big Man
Writing a Thank you card
Wrapping up in a soft blanket
Animals: Pet an animal and make them feel good.
Friends: Call someone who always wants to hear my voice. Call someone who always lifts me up.
Sitting in my recliner with a book and a coffee
Changing my sheets, making my bed and putting the pillows all on it
A hug from that friend who really knows how to hug: an energy giver.

The number of cards is endless. You can add to your deck constantly as more things enter your mind. In fact, use an actual deck of cards; writing over them with a black marker. Some cards will get used more than others, looking tattered, but let those be your aces, the ones you rely on... the superhero cards of your deck.

Then when you are sad or hurting, just remember to go to your deck, you don't have to remember all the cards in it, just start looking through it.

Follow Your Heart.

Years ago I found myself in a conversation where I was over my head. I was the youngest, the least opinionated, and the least educated (on most subjects), but specifically the one that was being discussed.

I found myself without an opinion because I had not been told what I was supposed to believe. (I was 19) During the conversation I had the thought: If I don’t know what I’m supposed to think, I should ask “What feels right to me?” and in doing so, I had the sensation of needing to put my hand on my chest, and ask myself to “feel” the answer to the question. Which could also be worded: “What does my heart say?”  Instinctively I feel that there are answers living inside my heart, and all I have to do is ask and then feel. That thinking entity inside my head knows that the feeling entity inside my chest is the one in charge. The smarter of the two, and the one with better answers is not the one in my head.

I know I’ve talked about this before; this listening to yourself, but the key to following your heart is to listen to the feelings and not the thoughts. The difference being the origination of them. My head will try to talk my heart out of anything. My heart won’t defend itself with words. My heart won’t insist on being heard, nor insist on being attention getting.

I also believe this comes through us all being connected. There is a higher intelligence we are all part of. We don’t think or act like we are, but we are… and if you listen to your heart more, follow what it’s saying, you will find levels of ease and success in life you have never found before.

I don’t often include a video with a post, but I discovered this today (Valentines Day) and I feel like the overall message of this would totally go hand in hand with what I have to say about following your heart and the theme of Love.

Be good to one another… (I love you)

“Get on the Horse!”

Many years ago I found myself regularly wanting my life to be different, seeing no way out of what I had created for myself, and wishing that some knight in shining armor, or the Lone Ranger would turn up and say “Get on the horse!” I didn’t want to have a choice, I wanted to be saved from my life by just doing what I was told and leaving -via that horse.

Oddly, I did not have a castle in mind to which I would escape to, no mountain top, no secluded island, nothing. I had no destination in mind, I just concentrated on the being saved from my life and the idea it could happen as fast as climbing onto a horse.

More years have passed than I want to admit to, but when I look back on it, I am able to recall that desire as clear as any in my head.

I no longer feel I need to be saved, I love my life, where I am, who I am, and there is no horse required here… but, I’m torn.

Does the fact I was not saved on a horse mean that nobody ever is? What if somebody needs me to turn up for them with a horse? What if I can see me and Tonto are needed and I think I can help? Should I?

Here’s what I’m feeling: I have no desire to push anyone into anything. I don’t want to decide anything for anyone because I am an advocate of choice. Despite my desire having been one of being forced years ago, I am currently saying: “So, I have this horse here… We’re just hanging out… If you think you might need a ride out of town, we can help. You can get on the horse if you want to.”

Can I help anyone with my invisible horse? Can I really do anything for anyone? Are we all truly alone without a horse to save us or someone else? And if I do save them, will they be able to reach the space I reached by NOT getting on the horse? I reached that space of happiness through a very long and arduous walk. Does that only come from NOT being saved?

I don't know... cause now I have a horse, and I'm willing to share.

What might be best, is if each of us didn’t wish for someone else to arrive on a horse, but instead for each of us to get on our own damn horse!

Maybe I can deliver horses...