The Stigma of Need

On one hand I love words. On the other, (on a pinky) I hate them.

What I hate is that we don’t have enough of them.

“Need” is a perfect example of why we don’t.

We need to eat. We need to drink.

We need to breathe… but needing to love makes you needy?

Huh?

What just happened there?

The word NEED in association with love has been bastardized into something bad which IS a core need like drinking water.

We do need love, but needing love does not make you needy. There are so many levels of healthy need before you get to “needy”, and people act like it’s just that easy if you admit the need for love. 

UGH! Who is responsible for this?

Probably an expert who labels people with things like “Attention Deficit Disorder” (which is really modern day conditioning of people by media and technology, and evolution of the modern person’s brain due to the extreme use of “tools” we have. Internet speed as one example.)

I’m continuing to loose respect for experts when I see what listening to them is doing to the world…. Anyway, back to NEED.

Yes there is a state that fits “needy” when a person is so insecure and unhappy and incapable that they have no-thing for themselves and they turn to others asking for the majority of their core needs to be fulfilled by someone else. These needs no doubt include love.

Overall, people don’t want to be needy, so what do they do? They reject needs and why do they reject love so quickly? Cause it’s the biggest deal. It’s the most important and has the greatest bearing on our happiness. It’s also the one easiest to turn into a stigma… it’s the most painful, and the least cool or acceptable to ask for. 

If you’ve had the misfortune of being called “needy” you have some hurtful bandages to remove. But… Although they were hurtful, removing those bandages doesn’t hurt, it’s FREEING. Just take ‘em off!

That’s what I’m here for... you Need me to tell you to take those bandages off. I want to suggest the vast majority of people who think they are “needy” are NOT!

Am I needy for requiring food?  If I am, then guess what? I’m “needy” too!

In fact I need all sorts of things from this life.

I need to laugh,

I need to write,

I need to sleep 7-8 hrs at night,

I need to go on walks and photograph sunsets.

I need to have someone I can turn to and speak the words “I love you”.

I need someone to watch movies with,

I need a hand to hold on the days I’m happiest,

I need someone to drink coffee with,

I need someone to giggle with,

I need someone to say good morning to,

and I need someone who has these needs in return.

Does this make us “needy”? Nope, it makes us capable of seeing the beauty in “need”.
I Need Life!

The whole beautiful thing!!

You & that Drum

I think most people don’t know they have a drum. A universal right to set your personal pace, dictate your race, choose the music you make and create the path you take.

Marching to the beat of YOUR drum is how you become successful in everything, it’s like OWNING who you are… Not renting that space, but flat-out owning it like a boss.

The rhythm with which you live your life should be dictated by you, not others.

“We are one”… in many ways this is SO true, but clearly, since we are all so different –it’s important we acknowledge we are individuals. Acknowledge your drum, beat that sucker, and play it hard.

Balance is maybe what I should have titled this post because finding the healthy ground between knowing we are all connected, and knowing you are wholly only in charge of yourself and who you are; is where it’s at. Finding that balance might be one of the many meanings of life. It might also be one of the many struggles.

I recently wrote something about selfishness. How I don’t believe in being –ish where my SELF is concerned. I want to be Self-FULL. Explaining more on this idea will change the subject of this post, and I want to stick with the four thoughts I have already mentioned…

-Marching to the beat of your own drum, -We are one, -We are individuals, and -Finding balance there-in. Keeping me important and being self-full is one of the ways I do that, and you can read about it in a book I will finish soon. (and have here on my blog as a download)

So… the drum…

Your drum might be covered in numbers, or splashed with paint. You might not know your drum because others nearby beat theirs so loudly you cannot hear yours.

I saw fellow students in high school who had not only found their drum, but they were playing it successfully. I wanted a drum, but I didn’t have a clue how to get one. I found my drum late in life, when I started doing the creative things I craved doing. Finally allowing myself to experiment with the tools and skills that interested me, helped me not only find my drum, but helped me realize it’s big enough I can play numerous songs on it… Sometimes even classical music.

I now know my drum so well now that I find it easy to recognize what is my beat, and what is others. It’s even easy to hear others trying to tune into my beat, which is nice, because sometimes others are in search of a beat that feels and sounds good, but can’t find it alone. My beat is unique, theirs is too, but for some reason, listening to mine can help them find theirs. We are all together, part of the same band. Reaching the point where we can play together and alone, and doing it well, that is balance.

The best image for this post is a video… Enjoy the amazing Jon Gomm. (shared  by a friend who very much knows his drum!)

Lyrics for those that want them:

Born in your tiny prison cell

A million times smaller than you are

One single drop, and you're risen up

Afraid of the dark…

You cracked up through the pavement

In super, super slow motion

Though your back is gently breaking

You reach for the light…

We can’t see everything

And we can’t hear everything

We can’t see everything

We can’t hear …everything!

We can’t see everything.

We can’t hear, everything!

Weakness is not your weakness

You are what you grow into

You're not what you were…

Good Enough.

It’s amazing how people use “good enough” and “not good enough” as terms that pertain to who we are.

The definitions of Enough are as follows:

Adjective: 1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire.

Pronoun: 2. an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency.

Adverb: 3. in quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently. 4.fully or quite ready enough.

Interjection: 5. Used to expression impatience or exasperation)

 So to be “good enough” or not… is to discuss or analyze weather or not someone is adequate or sufficient… Right?”

That’s why it’s so fascinating that there are people who despite their huge interpersonal qualities struggle to feel sufficient…

Someone in my life is not feeling good enough, and I want to reply with “No shit… you are way beyond good enough. No wonder you can’t relate to feeling “good enough”. What you are is beyond the word enough: you’re amazing, capable, loving, kind, open, and ALWAYS GROWING. Enough isn’t even the word we should use.

AND…
 “Enough for who?” What you likely don’t see as “enough” is NOT a standard set by every other person. You’ve created your own “good enough” standard, which might be why some people are still walking around not feeling their greatness, but finding flaws, repeating the stories of their faults…

And the truth is:

NOBODY will ever see you as you do. You are welcome to see yourself however you so choose, but based on what happens, when we meet people, we see they are who they are, we accept them as is, and “enough” doesn’t come into it.

I now see fighting over enough-ness as pointless. Stop deciding you don’t meet some imaginary standard. Throw out the word Enough as it pertains to people. Be incredible, be more than Enough. I hope you can lie in the beauty of it, basking in the sun rays not the imaginary moon beams.

Being Genuine …or not.

I have to admit… as much as I don’t want to look or feel old physically, getting older is awesome!

I am having the time of my life learning countless things. Maybe we all learn at a different pace based on our experiences, but when you reach a point that your learning (about anything/everything) speeds up dramatically, you suddenly love life.  I wouldn't go back 20 years for all the money in the world.

I hope that from this moment forward I never stop learning. That I continue having epiphanies; learning about people, learning who I am, and finding all of it interesting.

One of the things I’m seeing at this age is Genuineness. All around me people are showing me how genuine or unauthentic they are. The obviousness of it is amazing. Like suddenly some people have a purple head, and others a blue one... how this level of clarity is only finally reaching me I am not sure, but I will run with it.

I had a conversation with a friend today. As I hung up I felt like writing about it. The relationship I have with that friend is one of comfort. Neither of us have any reason to be uncomfortable when we speak. We don’t have to think of things to say, we don’t/won’t feel awkward or unauthentic with one another over anything. This Genuineness we share has everything to do with feeling secure and knowing the other person will not harm, will not judge, will not upset, will ONLY care and love.

This is what is missing from most relationships in life. Either we don’t know this can be the case, or people won’t allow it to be the case. I say won’t allow because they refuse to be safe… authentic… vulnerable… honest. All things that end up getting you to “genuine”.

If you find yourself NOT benefiting from genuine relationships, lock your ego in the cellar for a few minutes, and ask: Are YOU genuine? Are YOU preventing genuine relationships? If you think you might not be genuine, you are truly missing out…

So next (still with ego safe in the cellar) Ask yourself what you might need to change about you… what qualities could be stopping you from having genuine comfortable relationships with people? THEN…. If you are brave enough to just answer that question, consider whether or not you might be brave enough to Change. (Maybe keeping that ego locked in the cellar forever is the best way to start)

I truly believe that liking who you are, and being the person you want to be, with the qualities you can admire in yourself, is the first step in being genuine so you can enjoy genuine interaction and relationships.

If you do this, and others do it, imagine the incredible life that can be lead…. Truly, just imagine the pleasure you get out of your everyday interactions if we all do this.

Without meaning to create an example, I did something today, and after realized I should share it.

I sent this email via “contact us” on a blog I really enjoy.

I wrote:

“I know that nobody needs little ol’ me to say how wonderful they are...

But I'm aware, that appreciation is appreciated.

So I just want to say:

You're wonderful... I need people like "you" sharing this planet.

Grateful you are here, doing all the wonderful things you do....

Your work is Enjoyable and Beautiful and Meaningful!!!!

Much love and Respect to "you"... however many of you that is.”

I have reached a point in my life where I like me. I am genuine. I want to be happy, I want others to be happy, and in living like this, genuineness comes out of me…

Then… I affect others. I am sure, that my words to “contact us” need to be read by someone. There will never be too many kind words spoken, too much respect given, too much enjoyment voiced…

Correct me if you experience too much of these things in your life. I bet you don’t.

Be someone you like, interact with people you like; the genuineness is delicious.

Independence Day

No flags, no fireworks, no fanfare or parades. The act of being independent is emotionally and physically taxing. I write this remembering what it was like for me, and having just talked to a friend who is going through the process today, takes me back a bit.

Being independent, and being in charge of yourself seems to be an uncomfortable ride. If life were a motorcycle, most of us would prefer to be on the back, hanging onto someone in front. That way we’d have the wind in our hair and our arms wrapped around the security of another; feeling happy, not driving, and enjoying the ride.

Independence is still being on that motorcycle, no you don’t have the security of someone to hang on to, and yes you have to drive, but you get to steer, and the ride is still nice. You decide if it’s San Francisco, or San Antonio… you decide if you’re going to park on the side of the road with no progression. You decide if you want to ride in the rain, or stop in the sun. You, you, you.

Which may sound like pressure, -far from it. Not everything in life is right or wrong, happy or sad, easy or hard…Changing what you experience from one, doesn’t mean you have to deal with the polar opposite of the other.

If you are driving the motorcycle, the wind is still in your hair, the road is still under your tires. It’s not an opposite experience, it’s just different. If the thought of independence feels scary, you likely don’t have experience of it feeling like freedom. There are people out there who choose freedom, who choose independence. They choose to miss out on much pleasure, but they benefit from the solo ride too. What they want -when they want -how they want… That’s freedom!

I personally am far enough away from my independence day, and likely far enough away from finding someone to drive my motorcycle, that I sit here on the bike, wondering which I'd prefer. At this stage of the journey I'm not sure. For now, I ride. 

Bound by "I Love You".

The ties that bind when you can’t say the words “I love you”; are invisible. They can’t be cut, they can’t be torn. They bind, they hold, they keep you uncomfortable.

Whether it’s because you can’t tell a person you love them, because you don’t use that word, or whether you can’t tell a person because they don’t want to hear it from YOU…

It’s the same.

Those thick invisible ties hold you down, stop you from flying, keep every inch of your skin feeling a hundred times heavier than it is.

Unlike the reverse…

The freedom in saying the words “I love you” is light and airy, it’s like soaring. The lack of ties gets felt as much in the reverse. It too is invisible, but instead of making your heart feel strangled, bound, hurt… you get to feel light, comfortable, and happy.

I know two people, each feeling this. One unable, the other unwilling. Both are feeling they want freedom… one to be free to express love and revel in it, the other to be free from feeling love, and not have to live with it.


An interesting thing about this, is neither are saying what they want to say, letting the words fall out. Honestly, or being brave.

So... this post comes with a song, by the musical genius Sara Bareilles. Lyrics below if you want them.

Brave
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave