Beauty comes from the Inside.

"Oh Really?"
As a teenager I would have said “I don’t believe a word of that ridiculousness!” Even if I did hear it like a hundred times in church.

Not that church would have made me believe it… more like if I was being told this in church, it was what I SHOULD believe, so I let it go in one ear, and out the other, having my own beliefs on that one, since it wasn’t about history and what happened hundreds or thousands of years previously; like the other church stuff I SHOULD believe.

The concept of “beauty” was more a personal thing, I knew that, so I rolled my eyes and moved on… I could see that the beautiful people were the beautiful people… Basic math. Convincing me beauty was only external because of internal beauty; wasn’t going to jive.

I was a slightly sarcastic bitch as a teenager, hiding the sarcasm and attitude from most people except my sisters. I genuinely had no concept of internal beauty affecting the external. Which I suppose is the nature of teens, so I’m wasting time explaining I was a bitchy teenager. And clearly, was not beautiful.

I guess many things do have to be learned with age and experience, and this was definitely one of those for me. To this day, I find it fascinating to watch a person I’ve just met get more and more beautiful as I get to know them. Or conversely, less beautiful as they show their insides are ugly.

 I’m in a position lately of meeting quite a few people, so I am getting to see this reality of true beauty unfolding from the inside, and I'm enjoying it.

I also adhere to the quote by the immortal Audrey Hepburn “Happy girls are the prettiest.” 

Because happy and beauty just coexist!!

I would like to suggest to any man or woman out there NOT feeling so beautiful: try the “happy thing”. People respond to you better, they are comfortable around you, they like you, they find you more beautiful… and so will YOU. (for these same reasons...)

 

An Infinite Number of Sunsets

I do not know how old I am, how many lives I’ve lived, or what forms I’ve been.

I am not my skin, I am not my hair, I am not the clothes I wear, nor the body I’m in.

I see, I hear, I feel, I bring, I am many a thing.

I am also shaped by the places I go, the books I read, and the people I meet.

I have endless lessons still before me, the world will continue to teach.

I live what I have learned, I have felt the sting, I know many a thing.

I am love, and I am loved. I get to be the source and the end.

I will walk, I will run, I will enjoy that great big sun.

I might have many lives still before me, much to glean, I see many a thing.

Not least of which, is an infinite number of sunsets.

Getting to know you…

…getting to know all…. about… you…

(Yes, I’m singing… which is a warning for the craziness of this concept for some.)

I’ve been in conversations lately about how we assume we know ourselves, because we ARE ourselves, but that couldn’t be further from the truth for me. (Maybe you can relate to this.)

Here’s a visual…
I will never walk into a room and shake my hand, have a conversation with myself, or see what facial expressions I make while I talk. I will never meet me the way I can meet every other person in the world. And the reverse is also true. I will never live in the mind of everyone in the world. Feel their feelings, have their likes and tastes.

I am in a position of knowing myself totally differently than every single being on the planet.
How could I possibly know myself just by existing as myself? I couldn’t. You couldn’t, nobody can.

Knowing yourself is completely and utterly unique… to the way you know anyone.

On one hand this sounds totally obvious, and on another it sounds totally stupid.

Wanting my HEART and MIND to have the same IQ.

I wish the sensibility of my Mind was also the sensibility of my Heart.

I think I know the problem.

For the most part, the heart just feels, it doesn’t know how to think, so to even expect my heart to have an IQ, is really asking too much. My heart also speaks a different language than my mind, so any concentrated attempt for the two to communicate and be on the same page, is just wishful thinking… I believe it’s possible, but fact is, it’s NOT easy, and I have not figured it out!

If only my heart could understand things the way my mind does, making decisions, learning, moving forward based on lessons… Ya, that would be awesome!

My mind loves to take any experience, good and bad, and say, “What can I glean from this?” Each time the information gleaned from an event involving the heart, my mind puts effort into explaining it to my heart. Then my heart raises a thumbs-up a flashcard as if to say, “I get it”, but without fail, my heart is lying.
My heart has a FAR lower IQ than my mind.
It says it understands, but what it proves time and time again is that it’s behind. My heart wants to be as smart as my mind, but it has learning disabilities, and even sometimes tries to explain to my mind why 2 and 2 MIGHT JUST equal 8.
Poor Silly Heart…

I think it’s a little bit mute too… hence the flashcards.

So, my mind keeps trying to teach my heart English… my mind won’t give up.
My heart is a romantic, busy looking at sunsets, flowers, rainbows, kittens, the pretty and the beautiful, and it sits there full of hope; smiling.

Sometimes crying rivers while trying to smile… holding up flash cards with “2+2=8”.

My English speaking mind says “No Sweetheart, I know you want that, I know that would make you happy, and I know 8 is a wonderful number… but you can’t control others, you can’t force 8 to be the answer, you need to accept things the way they are…”

And my heart just cries, head down, with it’s flashcards in a disheveled pile, not understanding.

I’m not wholly speaking about myself when I talk about this… I know many people feel this way. So this isn’t about me; Natalie, this is about how some of us find it… and damnit, we find it frustrating.

I’m willing to bet there are people out there who have their heart and mind speaking the same language, possibly with coordinating IQ’s, who can FEEL what they think… This must be the case for some, and if some people exist… I’m jealous.

I also believe there are people out there who managed to beat their heart over the head so well with 2+2=4, that the heart gave in, and stopped holding up flash cards with sunsets and rainbows…

That’s sad, I don’t want to become one of those people, I am choosing to let my heart adore the pretty stuff, and in doing so, my heart sometimes hurts. It aches, it cries… I have to let it suffer, give it time, try to teach it English, and hope it heals well enough to pick up flash cards again, smiling and communicating in it’s simple -low IQ ways, feeling hopeful once more.

If the heart were able to understand, there would be less heartache, pain, tears, “suffering”…

I’m keen to master myself, to know ME, to understand how I work, and be on top of my emotions and feelings, but as long as this “Poor Silly Heart” is behind, I have no choice but to move at a slower pace, and to be patient with it.

I am currently confident that the Heart will catch up to my Mind… that one day my heart will finally “get” 2+2=4. Surely, it must!
One day…

Eventually…

Right?

Added a few days later:
I’ve made a realization. 

I’ve been thinking that my heart can’t understand my mind, when it’s really a two way street.
My mind doesn’t always understand the flashcards!
Here I was wanting my heart to be smarter, when my mind could do with being smarter too!!

My heart has finally held up some flash cards my mind understands, and the heart sighs relief as important info is communicated.
Now my mind is able to have a little more compassion and patience..
Hal-i-loooo!